Heyyo guys (((':
It's already May, how time flies so fast. I should post this on the last day of April bc it's my favorite month among all but I guess there's a lot to talk by the time I wrote this to the point I gave up writing and I fell asleep. N e ways, I still remember looking forward to April because it's my birthday month. Yeah, my birthday was on 21st. I'm finally 22 folks and now I can feel Taylor Swift's vibe and sing to her song hahahaha omg this is cringeyyyyy
This isn't really an update about my life, but I just want to share some of my thoughts again (what else I do in this medium huh hmmmm). I've been looking sad and down for these days, I mean all the time but yknow, I want to emphasize last month's story hahahaha I think it was a month full of events and a few progress have been made. I wasn't expecting that much bc I know myself but I think this month went well.
Well, let's start. Okay so I'm still a lost girl, looking for myself, playing with my own emotions and get drown in it. With loads of works, silly problems, these kinds of platonic and romantic feelings been around me. And there's this one bad occasion happened just few days before. I ain't telling this because it's sad, it's just that give me more space and time to think more, to give it a thought.
Erm, before my birthday, I *kinda* promised to myself that once the clock hit 0000hrs on 21st April, I'll be moving from my crush (my one and only bubs). We spent time teasing, jokes around each other but I realized one thing; I can't have him. No matter what I said or did, he will never wavered. He never had his eyes on me, never feel the same thing as me, never feel that excitement when it comes to me.... And eventually, I gave up. I know it was my fault, waiting for him, knowing he has a crush on someone else yet I still want to be his. And I'd never thought it's been months.. Guess this isn't serious too.. I hope this is just a phase, a phase that will go soon, a phase to remind me that I need to focus on myself or those who loved me more instead of chasing things that unsure. It hurts to be honest, but I'm digging my own grave in the first place. I said to myself that I can take the rejection, I can make him mine and many cringe things. But of course, we both just human. We can't predict anything. Yes we can plan but if He doesn't will it, there is nothing will happen. So yeah, by today I can say I'm....moving on a lil bit. Gosh it's really hard and I don't know I was this deep. Y'all, wish me luck to get over him. All that I know is the best is yet to come.
I've mentioned before about bad occasion right? This was happened recently, I can still remember it vividly. As much as it hurts me, it makes me think a lot. My insecurities rose up, guess I just didn't think a lot, I might've been overthink it. Things like this happens rarely to me so I feel overwhelmed by this bad moments. I feel sorry to that person but most of all, I feel sorry towards myself. I beat myself because of it. My thoughts filled with things like •am I a good friend? •why did I do that? •I bet she hate me now •am I disturbing her a lot to make her annoyed •is this the end of our friendship •can I still have her as my best friend •how should I apologize? •what should I say? •pls don't hate me •this what happens when you don't appreciate your friendship •yeah I deserved it •we can be friends again right? •she should just forget me •I can't even apologize so why should she forgives me? •no wonder my other friends left me and tbh, there were many more of em but I can't put it here. Too many thoughts wandering in my mind that night and the next few days. I cried to sleep, and my eyes numb hahahaha but imagine losing your best friend to things like this. We could never know, bc things were bound to happen kan.
And my thoughts didn't stop there. I was thinking of all things. I became more insecure, I hate myself, I want to improve myself so that ppl would like me more but I guess there's nothing to do more. I realized that it's just a good thing that my crush rejected me, bc I've no charms or whatsoever. He can't even be proud of me, can't even shows me off to his friends or family.. Okay look, I got nothing, I'm not a good girl, my studies is the worst, I'm not even pretty.. I just think that I didn't worth it. And then I think that I'm not good daughter as well. I wish I can make them proud of me but nah, I chose to make em disappointed. They didn't know my situation here but imagine they know the truth me being here is just a failure..how sad that is kan.. I'm the only one that pursue my study till this level yet I still wasted it all oh for god sake.
Then this one day, I had a conversation.. It's not that deep.. But I wonder why do I always see boys, relax, no dramas no whining and so on... And his answer is just simple.. "because woman likes to overthink". I feel it down here and it's the truth. I just like to.. Overthink..about..everything.. From that moment, I *again promised myself to not overthink silly stuff.. Because I will hurt myself. I can't start loving myself if I still have this negative thoughts in me. Sure it's hella hard but yeah I managed to go through few days without overthink and sumpah, it feels really good. I feel great.
I've been talking about student's life for days with my acquaintances and they all said, enjoy your life, try all those stuff things and just follow the flow. These are the moments that you can enjoy the most. The moment where you're still capable of try anything out there, travel anywhere or maybe just enjoy the little things around you and that's enough. N e waze, don't overdo any of it. Don't enjoy too much till you forget your obligations. We are still daughters/sons of someone, so take care of yourself. Don't make them worry too much about you. Make them happy instead. Most of things happened were unplanned by us, it was all by Him. Just, don't forget ppl around you while you're having fun and enjoying your life.
Tough times, but hey this is why we called it life. There will be ups and downs, fond and harsh memories, people come and go, sometimes you feel at ease and sometimes it's just a fuck-off day for you. I know I'm not in a right place to say this, but keep moving on okay? Live your life to the fullest, talk to anyone about anything, get off things that been lingering in your mind and things that stuffed in your chest. Smile a lot and even if no one ask you how's your day, talk about your day somewhere. Remind people around you that you love them and how much they mean to you. Don't rush and run for nothing. I hope things will get better, for me, for you, and for all of us. Thank you for reading xx
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