Loser

I realized that I’ve been changing day by day. It feels like I can sense myself getting a new id for myself and does feel weird. People do change even they don’t want to because life is meant to be like that, either to a brighter side or darker side. I constantly say this before “I miss the old you” without knowing that myself is not anymore the old me. A changes that happen to every second to our seven billions people in the Earth, and I believe the universe does changing too. Human can't stay being the same to survive, changes can make differences.

I spent my 19 years of life doing nothing useful to myself or my family and that’s the truth. Not knowing the purpose of this life, or the purpose of doing anything either. I just do because I know that I should do and POP I just did that. I’m a sceptical girl that really need somebody to help me make decision, but that’s the problem now. I’m a grown up girl but I still rely on other people to make that decision for me. I do rebel if it doesn’t fit me but I don’t know what the better choice that I can make. Ermm I always say sorry instead of making myself better. I know it doesn’t make things better. it's just ‘sorry’ is the only word to express my gratitude and misery. Hmm. I also keep comparing myself with others, and it’s damn true that it doesn’t give me happiness but I keep doing that. It’s hurting to know you don’t feel the joy of life because you keep doing the things that contradict with the principle of happiness. But I can’t stop doing it. And it’s simply shows the pathetic side of me.

See, like a previous entries, I started to write in totally English just to impress someone. And improve myself of course. Priority comes first to others but not myself. And I could admit that I focus on other people instead of giving the best to myself. I do have issues regarding myself, which I realize that it took a deeper cut into my pride. It’s a pity for me to admit this publicly as I always try to hide it in a real life. I might believe that other people have the same thought as mine because we are human anyways, with a fragile heart and a symphatic soul inside. Many people try to hide the pain and sorrow, at the end giving up the life. Same thing might happen to me as well. Some asked me to love yourself and I swear I've tried, but it doesn't stay for long. 

I have the thoughts of committing suicide that keep lingering in my mind before, honestly. But of course I don’t have enough courage to do so. Instead I tried to kill the thoughts little by little, and here I am now, writing this post. Why do I feel that this post is like a suicidal note? Or is it just me thinking of that? Saddening fact about myself that makes me a loser. It fits me somehow, a loser.

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13121 - Wish You Were Here - 032112 - A Fake :) Can Hide A Million T_T - ASSALAMUALAIKUM ~! (:

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