Phobia(?)

Never have I thought that I’d developed this kind of phobia. Can I even call it phobia? 

It’s almost 2 months by now, and I’ve grown a fear of men? I’ve become conscious and alert with men nowadays. I can’t spend time with em, I cant even let myself sit together with em without anyone else. The thought of them kinda scared me now. I cant even think of em as people who can protect me anymore. Maybe I don’t hate them, but I just dislike their presences around me. I hate when they started to chat me, call me or everything that related to me. I feel uncomfortable with em looking at me. As I don’t really have girl friends here too, it makes me want to stay in the room and playing with my phone, whatsoever. 

Why?

One of the reasons that I could think of is, I scarred badly from my previous relationships. I had many bois(men) that took advantages of my feelings towards them. They rejected me just to pull me back. Most of em are just not being serious. The thing that hurt me most, bois who have girlfriends want to date me(?) it was a long story and I think that hurts me the most. It might be my faults as well, as I keep approaching those bois beforehand. And now I hate them. I hate their existences. I hate how they make me feel this way.

I’m scared of having feelings towards men. I’m scared to make a conversation with them. I don’t feel like I should have their numbers and all. My perceptions have changed these few months and it affected me in many ways. My hands start to tremble or sweat when i think of them. It's not that bad yet, but I could feel this will get worse. 

You might see I’m laughing, cracking jokes when I’m around them but that’s how I tried to cope with my uneasiness. How could I tell you directly that I feel uncomfortable?? I didn’t even like to spend times in my own house because of the presence of my brother-in-law. No matter how good he is to me, my mind would think of those bois. I didn’t even comfortable with my own dad. Fuck my life 🤡

I wish this fear would vanish anytime soon. I hate to feel the goosebumps, the hatred in me whenever I see their faces. I hate to think that I’d better without them.

But for now, I don’t think I could be close and opened with any of em. 

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13121 - Wish You Were Here - 032112 - A Fake :) Can Hide A Million T_T - ASSALAMUALAIKUM ~! (:

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