Perfect x happier

 

It’s the time of the month again, a night where I couldn’t sleep and forcing me to write anything that’s been bothering my mind days and nights. The trigger this time; a song - Here’s your perfect by Jamie Miller - Perfect song for an imperfect soul. I keep the song on replay so that it hurts more than usual. Gosh, I haven’t changed since before, get emotional over trivial stuff (a song) like this. The pain it brings this time is how immature i was when I still with him. I’m sorry, I couldn’t move on yet. Did I say sorry again and again? For the same damn thing? Yeah I did. 

I’m trying to get myself into reading any book these days. Unfortunately the books that I read talked about love, betrayal, falling out love, cheating, lies and all the things that would occur in a relationship. It surprisingly felt surreal that I cried few times hoping that it won’t happen to me and that it would end up with happy ending. But an author won’t give in to giving that satisfaction to the reader without making them to feel the same pain the characters’ withheld. Maybe I need fictions genre to ensure that I won’t shedding any tears anymore. 

My past isn’t that bad compared to the stories in the book for sure, but for some reason it makes me feel bad about myself, feel sorry to him, and our moments. Though most of the books revolve around people in another continents, that do drugs, alcohols, rebellion against adults, one night stands and so on. Well I’m sure there’s many people in this country do the same thing but maybe not for those around me. So does me and him. We did rebel in our silent ways. There’s no cheating, no fightings, no shoutings. It’s just more to cries, silent treatments, miscommunications and finally, getting sick with other party. That’s the more reasons that it hurts a lot than I thought. One stopped asking, one stopped talking. One keep crying, the one just doing nothing. At some point, we just let go of each other. Like there’s no point to hold onto it anymore. Silent cries and needing comfort for both sides. I’m not sure if we both fell out of love or just letting go because we love each other. 

I wish I could’ve done it another way. By that, I don’t even know if I was asking to back in the past and not know him at all or I could just appreciate and treat him better. How I wish this doesn’t messes with my mind, it distracts me a lot than I wanted to. I hate to feel this but I’m glad I experienced it. How can a human be this fucked up. It is a shame to waste my life living like this, wondering over stuff that had settled down. Why does my heart doesn’t want to leave this matter and why does my mind keep thinking about you whenever I see “love” word. Hm 

I don’t even understand what I wrote in this post. It’s funny that I keep talking about him, one after another. There’s so many things that I could’ve said here but why is it him this time. 

For anyone reading this, I’m sorry I wasted your time reading this messy writing. A writing about a girl talking about her past relationship with a boy, that she couldn’t get over him over years. I suggest you stop reading after this post because this girl might talk about other messy thoughts, all the gloomy things. Please wish her a good closure so that she can live a better life (: thank you 

Happier - Olivia Rodrigo

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13121 - Wish You Were Here - 032112 - A Fake :) Can Hide A Million T_T - ASSALAMUALAIKUM ~! (:

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