Thief of joy

Closed-minded.  Know-It-All.  Seeks validation.  Makes excuses for everything.  Do what feels good.  Blames others.  Comes of fake because they hide flaws.  Stay in comfort zone.  Negative thinker.  Gossips.  Scarcity mindset taker.  Dislikes people.  Judgmental. Worry what others will think.  Can’t make decisions.  Stay stuck in old ways and bad habits.

That’s me.

Help me.

No.
I should help myself. 
But I'm tired already.

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13121 - Wish You Were Here - 032112 - A Fake :) Can Hide A Million T_T - ASSALAMUALAIKUM ~! (:

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Loser

I realized that I’ve been changing day by day. It feels like I can sense myself getting a new id for myself and does feel weird. People do change even they don’t want to because life is meant to be like that, either to a brighter side or darker side. I constantly say this before “I miss the old you” without knowing that myself is not anymore the old me. A changes that happen to every second to our seven billions people in the Earth, and I believe the universe does changing too. Human can't stay being the same to survive, changes can make differences.

I spent my 19 years of life doing nothing useful to myself or my family and that’s the truth. Not knowing the purpose of this life, or the purpose of doing anything either. I just do because I know that I should do and POP I just did that. I’m a sceptical girl that really need somebody to help me make decision, but that’s the problem now. I’m a grown up girl but I still rely on other people to make that decision for me. I do rebel if it doesn’t fit me but I don’t know what the better choice that I can make. Ermm I always say sorry instead of making myself better. I know it doesn’t make things better. it's just ‘sorry’ is the only word to express my gratitude and misery. Hmm. I also keep comparing myself with others, and it’s damn true that it doesn’t give me happiness but I keep doing that. It’s hurting to know you don’t feel the joy of life because you keep doing the things that contradict with the principle of happiness. But I can’t stop doing it. And it’s simply shows the pathetic side of me.

See, like a previous entries, I started to write in totally English just to impress someone. And improve myself of course. Priority comes first to others but not myself. And I could admit that I focus on other people instead of giving the best to myself. I do have issues regarding myself, which I realize that it took a deeper cut into my pride. It’s a pity for me to admit this publicly as I always try to hide it in a real life. I might believe that other people have the same thought as mine because we are human anyways, with a fragile heart and a symphatic soul inside. Many people try to hide the pain and sorrow, at the end giving up the life. Same thing might happen to me as well. Some asked me to love yourself and I swear I've tried, but it doesn't stay for long. 

I have the thoughts of committing suicide that keep lingering in my mind before, honestly. But of course I don’t have enough courage to do so. Instead I tried to kill the thoughts little by little, and here I am now, writing this post. Why do I feel that this post is like a suicidal note? Or is it just me thinking of that? Saddening fact about myself that makes me a loser. It fits me somehow, a loser.

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13121 - Wish You Were Here - 032112 - A Fake :) Can Hide A Million T_T - ASSALAMUALAIKUM ~! (:

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Dear You

Dear ‘you’, thanks for showing me your loyalty by staying by my side through ups and downs. You know much about me, about everything happens to me. I’ve got nothing to hide from you. You saw the sides of me that I have never shown to anybody else. And I swear I don’t have any intention to do that. You’ve been watching my sorrow, miserable life yet you still chose to be with me and ignored all the silly voices wandering around us. I’m happy knowing that you’re also one of my happiness, joyful and laughter in my life.

You’ve seen these awful years turned me up to something I never thought of. It’s taking ages for you to help me keep surviving till now to prevent me from taking any stupid actions. I know I made you feel disappointed of me for being too weak to get all over this bullshits. You said it to me that it’s tiring to persuade me on something that happened few years before. But you never give up on me, and you treated me patiently. Up till now, you still protect me from seeing, hearing those stuff. I feel sorry for you for keep staying with me. I wish I can get tired of all this and get up my courage then make you feel relieved, once again. How I wish I could do it again. You’re a person too, still having the sense emotionally and physically. But I’m acting like I’m only under your care and made you worried a fuck about me.

Honestly, we both are thinking at different way yeah you know what I meant. I’m no good in giving my opinion, I just tell you what I feel without trying to understand the whole picture. Thank God you know me well than I am, so I can put whole trust on you to help me. You saved me, of course by God’s will. I’m saying as thoughts of committing suicide keep lingering in my mind. It’s totally against religion but hell yeah, being a spoilt girl and maudlin made me thought of it. It hurts by thinking all the mess I’ve made, and I wonder when will this bloody attitude going to change. 

I just want to express my gratitude and sorry for what you have been through so far when you decided to stick with me. I hope our bond never end, I really meant it.

Please don't leave me. I beg you.

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13121 - Wish You Were Here - 032112 - A Fake :) Can Hide A Million T_T - ASSALAMUALAIKUM ~! (:

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A p p r e c i a t i o n . P o s t

Assalamualaikum gais.

Almost setahun juga aku tak buka blog kan, al maklumlah hidup kat matrik yang takde wifi student, (nak guna broadband malas la pulak), life yang totally hectic untuk aku. Laptop ni aku bawa actually nak guna untuk online, tapi bila dah masuk rasa macam takde function la pula nak online guna laptop, baik guna handphone jeh, hmm so laptop aku ni aku jadikan tempat nak save gambar2 bila memory phone dah penuh, nak tengok movie tak kira la tengok sorang ataupun ramai2, dengar lagu (layan jiwang karat, tak pun k-pop) uhuhuhu

Okay, now dah habis matrik, dah banyak masa nak kacau blog ni, nak hias2 nak post itu ini, (actually aku tumpang wifi kolej kawan aku jeh ni, tuh la excited nak buka blog uhuu). For this entry, aku try nak coret2 sikit, nak habaq kat tiga orang yang sebilik ngan aku kat matrik tu. Aku tak cukup masa nak buat surat nak bagi suprise, so korang tiga redeem kat sini jeh laa k? 

Nampak tak gambar kat atas tuh? Haahhhhh, tu laa rumate aku yang dah tinggal selama setahun dengan aku, yang aku pasti dorang dah kenal perangai baik buruk aku, even though mungkin belum semua sebab well, singkat kot setahun tu ehh 10 bulan jeh actually hahahaha. For my roommates aka adik2 aku yang dirindui dan disayangi bak menatang minyak yang penuh (ehh tipu pula huhu), entry kalini memang special untuk korang bertiga, seriously special, so please appreciate okay? Hahahaha

Dear roommates DT3.20 , 

Aku tau aku banyak buat salah dengan kamu

Aku banyak sakitkan hati kamu

Aku buat kamu tersinggung terasa hati kecil hati makan hati dengan aku

Doesn't matter laa dari perangai aku ka apa aku cakap ka

Aku tau aku ada terlanjur buat salah dengan kamu.

Erm, memang aku yang paling banyak pengalaman tinggal di asrama tapi perangai aku dak menunjukkan macam tu kan?

Macam2 perangai aku yang kamu suda discover so far, yeah ada baik ada buruk ada mengada ada gedik ada getek ada minta puji ada yang bikin bachat huhu

Aku minta maaf sangat2 sebab buat semua salah tu

Sorry sebab aku dak dapat jadi rumate yang baik untuk kamu especially untuk dua orang budak kecik yang first time tinggal di asrama tu, heee

Sorry sebab terlalu banyak salah aku buat yang mungkin sampai kamu dak tahan.

Dear adik2 yang confirm lagi muda dari aku, 

Thanks sebab jadi rumate aku

Jadi tempat aku begila, share segala perangai gila2 

Tempat aku meluah kalau dak puas hati dengan jiran ka dengan kawan lain

Jadi tempat aku boleh membuli hahaha sebab aku tau time di rumah teda siapa2 aku boleh buli 

Thanks sebab selalu share makanan minuman kamu dengan aku 

Bagi aku makanan especially bila aku yang bermuka tebal ni minta sendiri

Thanks sebab sabar layan alarm yang aku pasang tapi kamu yang tersedar huhu 

Macam2 yang kita buat sampai aku rasa sekarang ni aku rindu kamu *uhuk uhuk*

Thanks untuk segala kenangan kita, dari first day kita register di kml and sampai laa habis semua ni

Dear Fifi aka Siti Nur Syafiqah binti Japri 

Sorry aku dak balas kata2 kau time last day kau peluk aku, aku speechless duh

Seriously speechless. Kau buat aku sedih time tu, padahal aku set mind aku dak mau sedih2.

Nasib dak ternangis uhuhuhu

Sorry salah silap aku fi, aku tau aku banyak kacau kau kann, time kau study aku bawa kau bercakap, time kau focus aku kacau bawa tengok mv laa, main game laa, sorry ahh

Sorry sebab balik2 minta makanan kau, macam makanan kau la paling banyak aku minta ni tau hahaha

Ouhya, sorry sebab aku selalu olek kau pasal 'kinder bueno' , 'awkward' , 'superman' hahahahaha lucu bhaiii

Thanks ahh bagi makanan, kasi kawan aku pi makan, turun pi koop ka, isi air ka.

Thanks juga sebab selalu kejutkan subuh setiap hari sampai fed up ba kan sebab aku ni liat hahaha

Thanks bagi pinjam barang, especially phone kau tu, sampai hancur ba oleh aku huhu mianhe fifi

jalan2 cari makan bersama roommates ~

Dear Chel aka Syalsyanney Nasir

Ni budak paling kecil hahaha

Sorry selalu kasi main2 kau, olok2 kau macam tu macam ni huhu harap kau dak terasa sampai sekarang laa ah

Aku tau aku selalu dah layan kau, tapi most of the time memang aku dengar lagu guna earphone kuat sangat, tapi sorry ahh. 

Sorry sebab banyak marah2 kau suruh kau buat kerja sendiri ambil barang sendiri huhu 

Harap semua tu dak buat kau marah lagi huhu

Erm, thanks sebab selalu bawa aku tengok running man yang latest wuhuuuu and bagi pinjam fon

Dak kira bagi pinjam camera ka, pinjam untuk main game, guna untuk chat

Ouhya sorry sebab baca conversation kau dengan aini, yang pasal kredit tu huhuhu

Erm thanks bagi makanan bagi minuman 3 in 1 tu, bagi pinjam beg, hard disk, pensel semua tuu

Aku tau suda taste kau, hensem tapi kalu gigi dak lawa pun jadi kurang hensem hahaha

Jangan marah2 sama aku ahh chel huhuhu

photo shoot on my birthday ~

Dear Era aka Shahera Nabilah binti Mohd Shafizan

"Mata mana mata? Ehh mata sabit" 
Sorry sebab aku jadi orang sebelah yang banyak cakap berbanding kau

Sampai terpaksa buka earphone untuk dengar apa aku mau cakap, padahal benda biasa ja pun,

Sorry sebab balik2 tanya kau soalan especially physics tu huhu

Sorry sebab jadi bad influence bila mau belajar sebab aku selalu buka running man buka mv buka movie, and kau pun mula laa cubuk2, sampai dak terbelajar heww
Sorry sebab aku pernah sindir2 kau pasal **** tu, sorry ahh
Sorry sebab selalu kacau ketenteraman kauu heww
Erm well, thanks juga sebab sudi ajar aku physics math especially
Honestly aku jealous sebab kau still perform even though kau dak study teruk2 atau jawab dak full
But maybe memang kau macam tu, hee
Thanks sebab teman aku makan maggy last2 minit, stay up sama2 aku as kita dua sama modul, teman aku jadi penggemar makan pedas dalam bilik ni, teman aku tengok running man atau movie malam2
Thanks juga selalu teman aku pi tandas, well stay up sampai malam buta tup tup takut pi tandas sorang2 hahahaha

last paper last paper last paperrrrr ~

Btw, jangan lupa nama GAGAK ahh,
Gagak untuk avie, Murai untuk chel, Bangau untuk fifi dan Dugong untuk era, 
actually aku rasa dak ngam ba si era guna tu, yeah maybe dyea tidur macam tu HAHAHAHAHA tapi honestly kau memang cantik, (erm I'm not the only one yang cakap okay) , jadi kadang2 rasa macam dak ngam pula nama kau tu era hahahaha
Whatever it is, kau tetap our dugong hahahaha
Chel, sedar laa murai tu sesuai. Even kau selalu guna alasan jarang bercerita dengan umur3 kita ni, tapi still kau bercakap banyak kan kalau dengan golongan beliau2 kannn? Kannnn? Hahahaha
FIfi, kau terima ja ba kan bangau? Suda juga pun kita print di beg rumate kita tu aisehhh lawa ba design dyea, sepa la designer dyea ni kan hahaha 

And for our one and only outing sama2 sebagai roommates ni, aku hargai semua kenangan kita, dari makan makanan western, lepastu ice-cream then sugarbun, fuhh banyak juga la kan duit kita melayang. And lepas aku fikir2 balik ni, kenapa la kita dak pegi pantai kan, manatau dapat photo shoot lagi gambar2 yang lawa, kena tiup2 angin ka, main banana boat ka heww (aku dak pernah lagi main banana boat huhuh but itu salah aku sendiri , so dak pa dak pa) okay aku merapu 


Still ingat kaa masing2 punya first impression about each other? Simpan tu and ingat tu, and try laa kasi banding dengan yang real, hahaha manatau nanti kalau reunion kita boleh ungkit2 hahaha
Masa tu mungkin ada antara kita suda berbadan dua, aisehhmen hahahaha
Ouhya, kalau kahwin jangan lupa jemput aku datang, 
Dak mau juga kan jadi tukang cuci piring ka tukang masak ka, heeee
Tapi kalau aku stay di oversea, jangan laa pula delay wedding sebab aku dak dapat datang hahahaha *perasan gila 

muka2 lambat turun perhimpunan asrama hahahahahaha 

Kita sempat lagi buat birthday suprise untuk fifi lepas dak bertegur selama sehari hahaha (tu plan kita tapi padahal dak menjadi ni ba), and sorry a lot sebab kita dak celebrate birthday era and chel huhu erm ada masa nanti kita celebrate semua sekali k and even though birthday aku dilupakan uhuhuhuhuhu mau merajuk tapi baru teringat yang aku ni 19 suda, tua bangka suda so never mind laa. And when it comes to our crushes, let it all be as secrets between us. All those names and characteristics just remain temporarily with us but it gave us the overload happiness at that time, right?

"Cinta ~ bukan hanya harapan ~

Cinta ~ tapi kepastian ~"

" Melepaskan mu, bukan mudah bagiku untuk melalui semua ini ~ "

"I'm sorry, I did not mean to hurt my little girl~"

"Damn damn damn, what I'd do to have you here "

Guys, I have no idea that I'm gonna say all of that, 
I have never thought of going to write this entry for you all before,
Well done you guys for making me feel appreciated to do this,
All of you have seen me in tears, so that's why I'm holding on my tears from rolling down,
I know I may not the special friend or closest friend you ever had,
but I know three of you are in my list, my family my craziness.

Okay this is the last, thank you girls for being my awesome roommates ever, please keep in touch between us even I know that I'm the only one who's commonly in trouble with cellphone. I may not save your phone numbers, your birthdays, barely remembering your name or your stories about, but i will never forget the ten months of gathering the four strangers into a family. 

I LAHVE YOU DEAR ROOMMATES.

Please don't ever forget this bond and be healthy. 

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13121 - Wish You Were Here - 032112 - A Fake :) Can Hide A Million T_T - ASSALAMUALAIKUM ~! (:

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