R U Happy Now?

It seems like I could use this time to reflect on myself, deliberately. As much as I want to apply the concept of "Love Yourself", I should consider those around me. But I don't know if I could make it or not. There might be a loooooooot to think of, and I don't know if I'm ready for it to be honest.

But one thing for sure, I enjoy myself for being under-exposed. I'm trying my fucking hard to not express too much things and expose too many stuff going on in my life. By deactivating my accounts on instagram and twitter kinda helps me a bit, well I'm considering my blog as well. I've been writing for few times in this year already and maybe I should change the content of my entries. I think that telling people about my concerns and thoughts doesn't sit well with me now. Like who cares anywayyyyy(?) So yeah, I might start writing different contents after this. I have few plans in my head for next months and afterwards and I hope it will be done, without any problem. 

Thanks to what have been happening in my life in the spans of months, that make me changed this way. Thanks for helping me to achieve my years of life goals. I wish things will stay like this. 

Erm, okay.

Till then!!

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13121 - Wish You Were Here - 032112 - A Fake :) Can Hide A Million T_T - ASSALAMUALAIKUM ~! (:

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Phobia(?)

Never have I thought that I’d developed this kind of phobia. Can I even call it phobia? 

It’s almost 2 months by now, and I’ve grown a fear of men? I’ve become conscious and alert with men nowadays. I can’t spend time with em, I cant even let myself sit together with em without anyone else. The thought of them kinda scared me now. I cant even think of em as people who can protect me anymore. Maybe I don’t hate them, but I just dislike their presences around me. I hate when they started to chat me, call me or everything that related to me. I feel uncomfortable with em looking at me. As I don’t really have girl friends here too, it makes me want to stay in the room and playing with my phone, whatsoever. 

Why?

One of the reasons that I could think of is, I scarred badly from my previous relationships. I had many bois(men) that took advantages of my feelings towards them. They rejected me just to pull me back. Most of em are just not being serious. The thing that hurt me most, bois who have girlfriends want to date me(?) it was a long story and I think that hurts me the most. It might be my faults as well, as I keep approaching those bois beforehand. And now I hate them. I hate their existences. I hate how they make me feel this way.

I’m scared of having feelings towards men. I’m scared to make a conversation with them. I don’t feel like I should have their numbers and all. My perceptions have changed these few months and it affected me in many ways. My hands start to tremble or sweat when i think of them. It's not that bad yet, but I could feel this will get worse. 

You might see I’m laughing, cracking jokes when I’m around them but that’s how I tried to cope with my uneasiness. How could I tell you directly that I feel uncomfortable?? I didn’t even like to spend times in my own house because of the presence of my brother-in-law. No matter how good he is to me, my mind would think of those bois. I didn’t even comfortable with my own dad. Fuck my life 🤡

I wish this fear would vanish anytime soon. I hate to feel the goosebumps, the hatred in me whenever I see their faces. I hate to think that I’d better without them.

But for now, I don’t think I could be close and opened with any of em. 

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13121 - Wish You Were Here - 032112 - A Fake :) Can Hide A Million T_T - ASSALAMUALAIKUM ~! (:

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