![[ Life Goes On ]](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wtQ2y4Mmp3s/XJSiCJ8S_FI/AAAAAAAAD0w/g6BY9rniUWYGqXnl2SUbVnK4tzBC4r6SACK4BGAYYCw/s1600/IMG_20170417_221012.jpg)
Hii guys.
How y’all been doing now? It’s been a year and almost a half since covid in here.
I hope that things still going well for everyone.
Though for me, it’s totally suffocating and depressing.
Every single moment reminds me how the world change into a worse state.
Day by day, news of people dying increasing and saddening.
It really feels like in this situation, death come sooner.
What’s more depressing is that people are becoming more greedy and stupid.
It’s hard to keep seeing it every time we are on social medias.
I wonder if they are holding on to motto like “you only live once” and decided to live recklessly and selfishly.
Such a huge responsibility for an important figure but they ain’t listening to the pleas of citizens.
While thinking that, I was wondering if I still live recklessly and selfishly as well?
Though my existence and decisions don’t really affect anyone.
Does it affect anyone?
Am I hurting anyone?
Who did I hurt?
Hm.
I’m still a mess inside.
How does it feel to be someone that tenacious?
Or maybe have a little bit sense of responsibility?
Nowadays, I keep thinking about it.
(bruh, I think a lot of useless stuff tho)
(favourite useless thought; what if)
I was hoping I can change my own world.
A world where I wouldn’t care about what other people think of me.
I want to make everyone around me happy.
I don’t want people to be disappointed with me again.
I want at least one person to say that I give an impact in their life, that makes them wanna be a better person.
At least one person to miss me.
One person to remember me.
Especially when I’m gone.
After all, it’s just a thought.
Everything is just a wish though.
I haven’t put any action to make my own world exist.
When will that day come?
Maybe tomorrow when I wake up?
Maybe.
Or maybe tonight is the last night.
Who knows.
Good night everyone.
It’s the time of the month again, a night where I couldn’t sleep and forcing me to write anything that’s been bothering my mind days and nights. The trigger this time; a song - Here’s your perfect by Jamie Miller - Perfect song for an imperfect soul. I keep the song on replay so that it hurts more than usual. Gosh, I haven’t changed since before, get emotional over trivial stuff (a song) like this. The pain it brings this time is how immature i was when I still with him. I’m sorry, I couldn’t move on yet. Did I say sorry again and again? For the same damn thing? Yeah I did.
I’m trying to get myself into reading any book these days. Unfortunately the books that I read talked about love, betrayal, falling out love, cheating, lies and all the things that would occur in a relationship. It surprisingly felt surreal that I cried few times hoping that it won’t happen to me and that it would end up with happy ending. But an author won’t give in to giving that satisfaction to the reader without making them to feel the same pain the characters’ withheld. Maybe I need fictions genre to ensure that I won’t shedding any tears anymore.
My past isn’t that bad compared to the stories in the book for sure, but for some reason it makes me feel bad about myself, feel sorry to him, and our moments. Though most of the books revolve around people in another continents, that do drugs, alcohols, rebellion against adults, one night stands and so on. Well I’m sure there’s many people in this country do the same thing but maybe not for those around me. So does me and him. We did rebel in our silent ways. There’s no cheating, no fightings, no shoutings. It’s just more to cries, silent treatments, miscommunications and finally, getting sick with other party. That’s the more reasons that it hurts a lot than I thought. One stopped asking, one stopped talking. One keep crying, the one just doing nothing. At some point, we just let go of each other. Like there’s no point to hold onto it anymore. Silent cries and needing comfort for both sides. I’m not sure if we both fell out of love or just letting go because we love each other.
I wish I could’ve done it another way. By that, I don’t even know if I was asking to back in the past and not know him at all or I could just appreciate and treat him better. How I wish this doesn’t messes with my mind, it distracts me a lot than I wanted to. I hate to feel this but I’m glad I experienced it. How can a human be this fucked up. It is a shame to waste my life living like this, wondering over stuff that had settled down. Why does my heart doesn’t want to leave this matter and why does my mind keep thinking about you whenever I see “love” word. Hm
I don’t even understand what I wrote in this post. It’s funny that I keep talking about him, one after another. There’s so many things that I could’ve said here but why is it him this time.
For anyone reading this, I’m sorry I wasted your time reading this messy writing. A writing about a girl talking about her past relationship with a boy, that she couldn’t get over him over years. I suggest you stop reading after this post because this girl might talk about other messy thoughts, all the gloomy things. Please wish her a good closure so that she can live a better life (: thank you
Happier - Olivia Rodrigo
hello guys.
Guess it’s my second entry in June, and there’s so many things on my mind that I wish I could put into words. I think I write a lot this year, but maybe not everything is posted here. I don’t know what should I do with this blog to be honest. It’s like this is my one of safe place but it’s not safe at all. Em I think this gonna be a short entry with a long paragraph hmm, let’s just write anything xD
Anyways, I’ve watched a korean movie just now -Sweet and Sour. It’s just like a typical romance movie with a plot twist that I’ve never thought of. It takes a while to understand the plot twist and it angered me a lil bit hahaha it’s just I got too emotional watching it. (If you haven’t watched this, i might spill spoiler hehe) there’s a couple, male lead (ML) and female lead (FL), yeah it’s like a sweet and romantic couple at first, happy spending time with each other but once the ML got a job and departed to another huge company, he got busier and met another female coworker (FC). They had to do a big project because apparently they’re the new aces. I was on edge because the FC became bolder and flirted with the ML. ML and FL are living together but with FL working on shift so she’s always exhausted while ML had to drive back and forth from their home to new company and it takes time. ML needs to pull on nighters to finish up the project after project and spent less time with FL. But it got worse after FL got pregnant. Yeah he wanted to spend time with FL but the project kept him on the office longer. well, at some point they argued and it took a toll on ML and when the FC approached him, he kissed her. HE KISSED HIM. THEY WERE KISSING. Bruh, I cried. It hurts my heart so much. I hate that scene so much that I wish it wasn’t there. Okay back to the movie. After the argument, they never contacted each other, never talked about the vacation they planned for Christmas, just nothing. The ML spent his happy moments, working and laughing, sleeping with FC and I still cried HAHAHA. Then after a while, he feels empty because he always sees baby here and there. Guess he wanted his girlfriend after all. When the project ended, he wanted to go back to FL and go to the vacation together. He went to the airport by a cab and OKAY SO HERES TO PLOT TWIST!!!! Apparently, FL likes another man, with a same name but different figure so let’s just call him HY. so, HY bumped into ML while running to FL. I really went blank when the flashbacks showed goshhh.
Okay here’s the explanation, yes ML and FL have a happy life together but when ML started to get busier, FL felt neglected and empty. FL met HY and got closer to him (maybe because ML and HY have the same name) so it makes sense that she needed someone else that wanted her more and gave more attention. So while ML and FL continued their relationship, they’re getting apart slowly, then FL spent more time with HY. Everything while the relationship still going on. But ML was too busy with his project and FC. Well FC was busy flirting too hm. Then what happened at the airport was both ML and HY were running towards FL but they bumped and fell down. FL only focused on HY and pretend that she didn’t know ML, then continued to enter the airport to go to the vacation for Christmas WHICH ML and FL had planned before. FL found her partner HY and ML tried to make a relationship with FC.
This is frustrating to be honest. I hate both main characters. I just hate how they didn’t have closure but make a move on someone else so for me, that’s basically cheating. Anyways, I CRIED. Over a movie. And it’s not like my partner cheated on me and kissed another girl, but at that moment, I feel betrayed. I’m afraid to fall in love and I don’t want the love to fade. It’s scary to think that at one time you’re happy with your partner then at one time you just sick with each others. I cried because yeah, I experienced heart break. I haven’t fully moved on and healed but I don’t think I love him anymore. I know it’s common for other country to kiss and all, so I guess the physical gesture hurts me the most. He kissed other woman and she hugged other men. (Idk if they kissed tho) it’s just hurts. Maybe another reason for me feeling hurt is, I often confessed to my crushes and they rejected me which I’m okay. But after that they crawled back to me time by time because they know they got my attention and their gfs just busy or it’s just not enough. They took advantage of my feelings which I really didn’t realize until I took some time to think about it. Hahahaha
Gosh, it’s getting long. I don’t have the thing to give review or telling the plot, I just wanna share my feeling about the movie that makes me think about my past again. And the fact that I CRIED so hard hahahahaha okay gtg, BYE!
Hello pals. It’s already June, half of 2021 has passed and things haven’t been the best for the first half of the year. It’s so chaotic, messy and pathetic to most of us right now. Be it for students, teenagers, young adults who tried to adjust with working life, all our parents who think about every second on how to survive these days, apparently everyone is trying our best to live to the fullest despite the emotional pain and physical ones as well.
Tonight is just the same night as before. I tried to sleep, I tried to write. Well I’ve been trying to write anything but I always ended up going straight to sleep instead. But when I tried to sleep, my mind wandering around and looking for stuff that comfortable enough to say here. Of course there’s a lot I wanted to talk about but it’s really getting harder to put it into words. The more I tried, the longer the sentence and my intentions getting swayed away. It’s honestly so frustrating and annoying.
Ahh, I’ve been watching Grey’s Anatomy these days. Someone suggested it before but I wasn’t into any drama yet since I only watched animes. It’s really my guilty pleasure because I need to get my mind off from overthinking about the jobless and troublemaker I am. But I can’t. I still can’t. The animes have so many life lessons and quotes that my mind can’t apprehend because I tried to ignore it but it’s too damn good to be ignored. But watching the show (greys anatomy) kinda hit me harder because apparently, becoming a surgeon is what I’ve been wanting since I was in primary 5-6. So safe to say that I’ve been thinking about it for more than a decade.
A decade, sure it isn’t a short time but I can’t say that I did much to achieve it tho. I really didn’t put much effort to achieve that dream. It’s like I’d love to become a surgeon but I’m letting it go without trying at all. I watched it, every episode with a pain that keep poking into my mind, my heart. Been telling why tf I didn’t try so hard years ago, just so I could become one of it. There’s so many things that make me realise that I really couldn’t make it even if I try now. I’m trying my hard to understand myself, my attitude, my ability during years of my schools and degree. It’s not me degrading myself, it’s just me being rational so that i didn’t waste any more time to become a thing that I maybe can’t be. Does it sounds like I’m degrading, downplaying myself? Well..
I’ve talked about this to my bestie, about this sudden memory of mine and she said I should go for it. If only studying medicine isn’t that expensive, I’d probably go. It’s funny that I don’t have anything to make myself feel better. It’s saddening because at this point, I’m just regretting every chance I wasted, every moment that i took for granted, every person that I neglected and every, every second of now that I can only write this about instead thinking about my future. It’s maddening that I’m still alive and doing nothing is the only job I have right now. It’s such a shame. It’s just, a waste of time. For me to be living.
Hmm, again. It’s another entry with a sad thoughts from me. I can never move on from 15-year-old me. Goodnight.
I’m listening to Heartbreak Anniversary at the moment, it feels close to my heart but I guess I’m just reminiscing old memories. It’s not really the 3am thoughts, rather a collections of emotions and feelings for months. Guess the penniless and jobless the person I am have taken a toll on me. It’s hard to find motivation when people around you keep pushing and forcing you. Been procrastinating to add another entry but maybe I’m just waiting for the free time and the mood to write the whole ass one 😌
Too many useless thoughts wandering in my minds, maybe because I have too many time to spare. Not only it’s affecting me negatively but it’s giving me idea of the versions of me. Or rather the personalities that I have or the ones I’m developing right now. My mind is super messy because I keep everything in me. I’ve found no one to tell things about. It’s scary, it’s really scaring me. I’ve been living my whole life telling what I wanted, what I felt, what I thought to people around me especially in my teens life. Yeah, I still talked to some people about my concerns but it’s only the low level concerns. But even so, I still have the insecurity and doubts about the stuff I’ve talked about. I felt bad for them, having them listening to it yet it still disturbing me.
At some point, I think I’ve changed but on the other side, I think I didn’t change at all. It feels like I’ve matured even a little bit but it also feels like I’m still childish. I can’t control how I feel, I can’t control my emotions, my actions and my words. I think I’m heartless by now but I still cry at the slightest sight of sad moments, guess I’m still a crybaby. I cried easily even watching anime, drama, or even reading manga LOL. Maybe I can just relate to it, the pain behind every actions, words they’ve been saying. After all, the people who wrote it might experience it themselves or that’s just how life been going around them. I got so vulnerable when it comes to people that I used to love. Maybe the biggest reason is I haven’t completely moved on. I’m still trying to heal myself from the heartbreak years ago. It takes time but seems like the time goes by slowly. Too slow for my liking.
I don’t think I’m ready to love again, to feel loved and embraced by their sweetness, hope and promises. But after all, that’s not the only thing that bad about me. I don’t think I should make another friendship with anyone. I have a problem with dealing my feelings towards my friends. I can’t repay them the love they’ve given to me. I’ve made too many mistakes over the years and I still have this pride and ego when it comes to them. Yeah, the huge burden in my mind now is my friendships. The guilt and remorse I have in me, makes me hesitated to move forward. I might say sorry to them before and of course as a friend, they would say they forgive me but deep down I know I haven’t forgive myself. It’s because I’ve just recently realized eventho i asked for forgiveness, I’d still do it again sometimes in the future. I’m not the best kind of person to be friend with (: and to be very honest, I’m very sorry for anyone that have came across with me, befriended with me, became my acquaintances, or even hearing my name, seeing my face, knowing that I exist.
And my family come into the vision, clouding my mind with my past mistakes. The biggest mistake ever. The one that I did that I wish they’d never know about. No matter how I make my family laugh with my jokes, how I helped them every time I can, it follows me everywhere. My family would still smile when they look at me but who knows they cry if they thought of me. I’m nothing but useless and disgusting daughter and sister for them. I wish I could’ve turned the time back. Just to make myself better, to prove them that I can be their pride, a trophy that can be proud of. Why it took me so long to realize that I’m a fool? I think everything is over now. I still can’t make them proud of me. The feeling of betrayal in them because I can’t prove myself. I’m such a failure. The past can’t be healed and changed. I’m sorry.
It hurts, it hurts a lot. It pains me, and the pain I injected to other people after all this time. I hope people don’t have to get hurt and cry because of me again.
It’s the seventh day of Ramadan, a week after entering a holy month. A week that reminds me of what happened to me from last year, last two years or even 10 years ago. I might not remember everything but the vibes and memories comes from Ramadan makes me so many things.
I started my teen years in a boarding school so I spent a lot of time with my friends rather than my family. In this case, fasting month. Waking up for sahoor with them, being hungry and tired together, tadarus every evening eventho very sleepy, iftar with loads of food and drinks, moreh instead of prep time (: ahh, what a good thing to be remembered. 5 years in boarding schools, I can say that I’m the one that consistently waking up for sahoor, tho not 100% but at least I woke up and drink a little. At some moments I even packed food from the dining hall and fed my friends, woke them up and just push the spoon into their mouth 😂 it’s such a joyful moments.
Even in matriculation, my roommate woke me up and the least we ate was a kurma, drink a bit and go back to sleep. Can’t be helped since we always stayed up to finish the assessments (lab reports and tutorial because the schedule was hectic). One of my roommate has gastric so I always accompanied her to buy food and iftar with her. The most memorable moment during Ramadan was my phone broke and I had to use the old phone instead the smartphone. Luckily my close friends as well as my classmates were my neighbors, so they can tell me anything I need to know. It was only a month after the entrance but I had to use the old ones so it’s pretty inconvenient for me. Had to troubled my friends because I keep coming at them and asking about the updates ): the saddest part is I have to use it until the end of matriculation 💔
Then, talk about my degree, the most recent moments of my life. I often think about this and that, maybe I just miss the vibes around there. From the first year to the fourth year, it was kinda hectic since ramadan is the month where we need to study our hardest and finished off all the assessments (reports, assignments, projects, presentations, tutorials, classes) and then, comes the study week and final exam. Our final exam were always during ramadan so that we would have our semester break right after Eid, and we could enjoy the time. It was hard back then but we enjoyed the most I guess. Sometimes we would stayed up so that we can have sahoor and sleep right after Subuh, and wake up before the exam. Sometimes we went to iftar at masjid, so all of us share the same plate (talam) for 4-5 people each. Sometimes we just bought things that caught our eyes and iftar in our own room and then got lazy because we were too full. Sometimes we rushed to go to teraweh because we wanted the best spot (air cond) and to avoid getting sleepy hahahah but we still ended up sleepy all the time
I spent most of my teenage days with my friends, and even after being the so-called-young-adult, I still spent it with my family, far from my family. So there’s not really memories of Ramadan with em but now, I’ll take every chance I have to experience it especially with my parents. My parents still waking up early to cook for sahoor but for iftar, I’m in charge of it hehe proud daughter here.
Anyways, it’s getting too long and I might say stuff about years ago again and again. Good or bad memories, it’s part of my life and to be honest, I’d like to go back to that moments so I can appreciate it better. Brb, Salam Ramadan!
(So lazy that I don’t do proofreading)
The One That Got Away - Brielle Von Hugel
0:01 ❍─────── 2:20
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
I shouldn’t be crying over sad song like this. But here I am, crying my heart out just because I missed you so bad. My vision blurry as I’m writing this but the feeling is so immense, the pain of nights from years ago comes back haunting me. It’s been years for fuck sake but why I couldn’t move on yet. I wish I didn’t know you feel the same pain, I wish you never told me, I wish I never contacted you again.
I still remember I was crying every night for a month in this small room, wondering why you ignored me for that long and you always gave the same answer. I asked myself again and again what did I do wrong back then. You kept me in the dark and replying with short sentence each and every night that time. I feel pity for myself, my eyes that swollen because I keep crying until I was asleep, my tears that seems to never end. It’s just hurt. And you did the same thing again. I didn’t cry out loud because I wasn’t in this safe place anymore. It hurts because I tried to not think about you and messed up with my study but apparently, I’m a fool. Either my head full of you or not, I’m still a stupid me. A month later after that, you broke up with me. Yeah, they say you can’t cry in pain when things happened but when it hit you that the breakup really happens, you cried like there’s no tomorrow. I was so broken-hearted but I couldn’t do anything much. We didn’t contact each other for months and that one night, I was driven by something and did the silly stuff again. You told me you still love me.
You still love me.
Until this day.
I love you too.
But we couldn’t get back together.
There’s no “us” again.
We are just not meant for each other.
You are me now, and I’m you.
I’m still approachable but I’m not the same me. I’m not the clingy girl you dated before. I don’t share my problems and secrets like I used to. I don’t start conversations as I did back then. I’m no longer a girlfriend material this time.
I don’t know if it’s maturity or another version of me, but I’m just scarred. There’s so much things I could’ve blamed you for but after many talks we had, I know I have my fair of faults. The mistakes I made, the selfish requests, blind jealousy and all, tho you said I never make that or rather you said you never felt like that. You said you liked all about me but yeah, it’s just we aren’t meant for each other.
No matter how many times I cried over this, I’m still in pain. I truly hope you don’t feel it, I hope you can feel happy despite whatever happen to us now. I’m sorry, and thank you.
