![[ Life Goes On ]](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wtQ2y4Mmp3s/XJSiCJ8S_FI/AAAAAAAAD0w/g6BY9rniUWYGqXnl2SUbVnK4tzBC4r6SACK4BGAYYCw/s1600/IMG_20170417_221012.jpg)
Hello pals. It’s already June, half of 2021 has passed and things haven’t been the best for the first half of the year. It’s so chaotic, messy and pathetic to most of us right now. Be it for students, teenagers, young adults who tried to adjust with working life, all our parents who think about every second on how to survive these days, apparently everyone is trying our best to live to the fullest despite the emotional pain and physical ones as well.
Tonight is just the same night as before. I tried to sleep, I tried to write. Well I’ve been trying to write anything but I always ended up going straight to sleep instead. But when I tried to sleep, my mind wandering around and looking for stuff that comfortable enough to say here. Of course there’s a lot I wanted to talk about but it’s really getting harder to put it into words. The more I tried, the longer the sentence and my intentions getting swayed away. It’s honestly so frustrating and annoying.
Ahh, I’ve been watching Grey’s Anatomy these days. Someone suggested it before but I wasn’t into any drama yet since I only watched animes. It’s really my guilty pleasure because I need to get my mind off from overthinking about the jobless and troublemaker I am. But I can’t. I still can’t. The animes have so many life lessons and quotes that my mind can’t apprehend because I tried to ignore it but it’s too damn good to be ignored. But watching the show (greys anatomy) kinda hit me harder because apparently, becoming a surgeon is what I’ve been wanting since I was in primary 5-6. So safe to say that I’ve been thinking about it for more than a decade.
A decade, sure it isn’t a short time but I can’t say that I did much to achieve it tho. I really didn’t put much effort to achieve that dream. It’s like I’d love to become a surgeon but I’m letting it go without trying at all. I watched it, every episode with a pain that keep poking into my mind, my heart. Been telling why tf I didn’t try so hard years ago, just so I could become one of it. There’s so many things that make me realise that I really couldn’t make it even if I try now. I’m trying my hard to understand myself, my attitude, my ability during years of my schools and degree. It’s not me degrading myself, it’s just me being rational so that i didn’t waste any more time to become a thing that I maybe can’t be. Does it sounds like I’m degrading, downplaying myself? Well..
I’ve talked about this to my bestie, about this sudden memory of mine and she said I should go for it. If only studying medicine isn’t that expensive, I’d probably go. It’s funny that I don’t have anything to make myself feel better. It’s saddening because at this point, I’m just regretting every chance I wasted, every moment that i took for granted, every person that I neglected and every, every second of now that I can only write this about instead thinking about my future. It’s maddening that I’m still alive and doing nothing is the only job I have right now. It’s such a shame. It’s just, a waste of time. For me to be living.
Hmm, again. It’s another entry with a sad thoughts from me. I can never move on from 15-year-old me. Goodnight.
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