![[ Life Goes On ]](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wtQ2y4Mmp3s/XJSiCJ8S_FI/AAAAAAAAD0w/g6BY9rniUWYGqXnl2SUbVnK4tzBC4r6SACK4BGAYYCw/s1600/IMG_20170417_221012.jpg)
I’m listening to Heartbreak Anniversary at the moment, it feels close to my heart but I guess I’m just reminiscing old memories. It’s not really the 3am thoughts, rather a collections of emotions and feelings for months. Guess the penniless and jobless the person I am have taken a toll on me. It’s hard to find motivation when people around you keep pushing and forcing you. Been procrastinating to add another entry but maybe I’m just waiting for the free time and the mood to write the whole ass one 😌
Too many useless thoughts wandering in my minds, maybe because I have too many time to spare. Not only it’s affecting me negatively but it’s giving me idea of the versions of me. Or rather the personalities that I have or the ones I’m developing right now. My mind is super messy because I keep everything in me. I’ve found no one to tell things about. It’s scary, it’s really scaring me. I’ve been living my whole life telling what I wanted, what I felt, what I thought to people around me especially in my teens life. Yeah, I still talked to some people about my concerns but it’s only the low level concerns. But even so, I still have the insecurity and doubts about the stuff I’ve talked about. I felt bad for them, having them listening to it yet it still disturbing me.
At some point, I think I’ve changed but on the other side, I think I didn’t change at all. It feels like I’ve matured even a little bit but it also feels like I’m still childish. I can’t control how I feel, I can’t control my emotions, my actions and my words. I think I’m heartless by now but I still cry at the slightest sight of sad moments, guess I’m still a crybaby. I cried easily even watching anime, drama, or even reading manga LOL. Maybe I can just relate to it, the pain behind every actions, words they’ve been saying. After all, the people who wrote it might experience it themselves or that’s just how life been going around them. I got so vulnerable when it comes to people that I used to love. Maybe the biggest reason is I haven’t completely moved on. I’m still trying to heal myself from the heartbreak years ago. It takes time but seems like the time goes by slowly. Too slow for my liking.
I don’t think I’m ready to love again, to feel loved and embraced by their sweetness, hope and promises. But after all, that’s not the only thing that bad about me. I don’t think I should make another friendship with anyone. I have a problem with dealing my feelings towards my friends. I can’t repay them the love they’ve given to me. I’ve made too many mistakes over the years and I still have this pride and ego when it comes to them. Yeah, the huge burden in my mind now is my friendships. The guilt and remorse I have in me, makes me hesitated to move forward. I might say sorry to them before and of course as a friend, they would say they forgive me but deep down I know I haven’t forgive myself. It’s because I’ve just recently realized eventho i asked for forgiveness, I’d still do it again sometimes in the future. I’m not the best kind of person to be friend with (: and to be very honest, I’m very sorry for anyone that have came across with me, befriended with me, became my acquaintances, or even hearing my name, seeing my face, knowing that I exist.
And my family come into the vision, clouding my mind with my past mistakes. The biggest mistake ever. The one that I did that I wish they’d never know about. No matter how I make my family laugh with my jokes, how I helped them every time I can, it follows me everywhere. My family would still smile when they look at me but who knows they cry if they thought of me. I’m nothing but useless and disgusting daughter and sister for them. I wish I could’ve turned the time back. Just to make myself better, to prove them that I can be their pride, a trophy that can be proud of. Why it took me so long to realize that I’m a fool? I think everything is over now. I still can’t make them proud of me. The feeling of betrayal in them because I can’t prove myself. I’m such a failure. The past can’t be healed and changed. I’m sorry.
It hurts, it hurts a lot. It pains me, and the pain I injected to other people after all this time. I hope people don’t have to get hurt and cry because of me again.
