promise

Promise?

Yeah. I’m gonna make a promise to myself, about me, my family, my friends and those around me (no matter if they would just a mere acquaintances or nothing at all)

Why tho?

I got this inspiration from my beloved oppa, jimin. He just released a song last night, entitled ‘Promise’. The lyrics hit me hard and I almost cry. It seems stupid but I guess we have different preferences. I’ve been hard to  myself; I feel useless, terrible, my existence is nothing, I can’t forgive myself for my past, I can’t get myself together, I let myself get stray away by this feelings.

I might have those who close to me but I have my own dark side, that I can assure you if they know, they would be disappointed with me. Can’t let them know (but I’m such a moronic for telling this here ammirite?) Nahh, I’m just giving some hint about myself. There are so many things that I hide, things that might scar people to life.

It’s been a while since I’m trying to love myself when I have is self-hatred, gradually polluting my mind, all the fake hopes I’m living with and all the fake love I’m trying to develop in my heart. I always have these thoughts of; I’m not good enough, that I don’t deserve good things, that I’m just good enough to be a sidekick, that I don’t belong here, that the misfortune really eat me up and so fucking more and believe me it’s the worst.

By saying this, I don’t think that I’m the only who always have these kind of negative vibe. I bet most people would feel the same, it’s just the severity isn’t the same, the level of self-hatred, the amount those people fake their smiles and laugh just to cover up the thoughts. Even if it just a mere seconds.

However, am not going to reveal the pathetic side of me. Instead, am going to just make a little promise to myself. To ensure I can love and treasure myself more. Things that people take lightly might be the biggest thing in others’ lives. It really depends on somebody’s liking.

So here we goes, my little promises (wish me luck bubs);

• For me, I’m going to build up my confidence more. No matter how fucked up people seen me, but I guess showing them that they’re wrong is the best revenge.

• I’m not going to throw myself away, even if I feel lonely multiple times in a day.

• I’m gonna be honest to myself and not to abandon my feeling, gonna treat it like a softie. Sounds absurd because we sometimes forget to focus on our feelings for the sake of others’ happiness.

Bangtan said, face yourself so that you can love yourself.

• So I’m gonna face all the weakness, shortcoming, flaw, imperfections. Those are the thing can hold me from being success and happy. Most important fact, I can’t love myself if I can’t embrace the imperfections part of me. Gonna embrace all of me and love myself because that’s the key of everything, love.

Anyways, here a short message for those whoever that ever came into my life within this year (':

Thank you for everything. And sorry for all my shortcomings. We might be in a good terms or maybe we're not. Things happened, people come and go. Those who stays, please stay longer. Let's make more memories, spend more time together, play around more. Those who gone, good luck with whatever you're doing. Forgive me, if it me who push you away or maybe it's me who makes you walk away from me. Still, everyone of you is part of my life. At some days, I would missed you too, I bet I miss the memories. Guys, whenever you're pls be careful, take care of yourself, eat a lot, play more, enjoy your life, spread more love, be happy and please, if you feel stressed, talk to anyone, rant somewhere and let it out. I hope 2019 will be a better year for all of us. Okay, time's up.

It's the ending of 2018, so Happy New Year bubs <3

I want you to be your light, baby. You should be your light. 

-lots of love, veeeavieee

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13121 - Wish You Were Here - 032112 - A Fake :) Can Hide A Million T_T - ASSALAMUALAIKUM ~! (:

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so far away

Hello guys.

Well, Merry Christmas for those who celebrating it, I'm not that late kan HOHOHO

So how have y'all been? Are things okay in your life? Is there anything that keep yourself from being happy? I hope y'all feel okay, for whatever happen in currently. Find things that can make you happy, even in the slightest moment of your life (':

I cried last night. It’s just one moment and it’s not that bad. I listened to sad songs these days and it really bothers me, my mind and my feeling. Things have been worse because I received some bad news almost the same time and I guess that’s triggered me to cry. I looked like a fool for crying like that. It’s funny because all of it is my fault.

Study? Just the same, it’s bad as it is. I’m sorry mom and dad, I might disappoint you more after this. I’m not a good daughter to you both as well. I dwell on my feelings more than my study. I let myself getting wrecked for this silly stuff of mine, when you both are working hard to give me all. I cant even say I miss you I love you because I’m feel embarrassed to do so. Hahaha isn’t I terrible? But mom, dad, I love you both. I just need to say it somehow and anywhere will count. I’m sorry mom, dad.

Best friend? Out of things in my life, I really hate this part. It’s not hate like I hate my best friend but I’m aware that I’m not good with this friendship(s). Yes, I have many groups of best friend. And it hurts me that I don’t do good things to them. I often left them hanging, treating them nonchalantly, cursing them, and the most important thing is that I’m not there when they needed me. Besides, I always act like I don’t have best friend, oh gosh what a jerk HAHAHAHAHA I tried to make friends because that’s how naturally I am, but the moment I started to befriend with em, that kind of spark doesn’t really there. I love them of course, if not why would I stay with em. It’s just I don’t think I deserve them. They could get a better (best) friend than me. I’m sorry buddies.

As y’all reading this, I might get if anyone of you will say, ‘’ then get yourself together and treat them better you asshole’’ , ‘’they really need to get out of your grasp’’ and so on. Call me negative thinker or what but that’s how I am. I feel insecure every time even at the time i’m with anyone. It’s just…..come into my mind, invaded my mind and telling me that I don’t deserve them, they don’t deserve me, I am bad, I am a fucked up girl. Hahahaha

Avie in the end of 2018 is not same with the beginning of the year. It’s like two different people because of the character, experience and stuff. Anyway, I hope y’all enjoy the days left before we get into 2019.

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13121 - Wish You Were Here - 032112 - A Fake :) Can Hide A Million T_T - ASSALAMUALAIKUM ~! (:

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everythingoes

Hello peeps ((':

Here I am again. Writing for the second entry for this month. Adding new things to be left in 2018. Knowing that this might stay for longer, as memory. It's 2 in the morning, I should be sleeping but nahh, I'll try to write few stuff. 

I've become someone new. Like not really new, but just some part of it. It feels different after what had happened last night. I made a scene, LOL RAN AWAY FROM MY ROOM TO NOWHERE. Why? I don't know, nan molla. Hmm nahh, I just don't feel good crying over things in my room, while they're all awake. Like how do you gonna cover up your puffy face after crying saying you're okay? I can't. So I decided I would take a walk, going somewhere just to calm myself. I just followed wherever I go. 

Really, I feel bad for leaving them just like that. They called me but I didn't pick it up. I want to but I can't. They texted me, asking me where I am, like what's going on with me. I want to talk but I can't. They're worried about me but I can't don't want they to see me that way. 

The pathetic me. 

The broken me. 

The vulnerable me. 

The fragile me. 

The fucked up me. 

They've always seen me laughing. 

Cracking lame jokes. 

Spilling stupid stories. 

Talking non stop. 

I know they saw me at my lowest point sometimes. But last night, isn't a day for them. Isn't a day for me either. I was so, fucking messed up.

I spent my short time with my other friend, who happened to know that there's something wrong with me and decided to approach me. AND I FUCKING CRIED IN FRONT OF her oh my god. That was unnecessary, I meant cried in front of her. She happened to be there when I broke up with my ex and one of people that saw me cried, a few times. Wondering why I'm so weak lol it's just a guess. She's a good friend of mine, at here. Even if we didn't really hangout together for a while. Thank you again. 

Some of my other friends even asked me if I'm okay. 

To be honest, I was SHOCKED. I didn't think it went like that. I feel embarrassed, fucking ashamed of myself. For being childish. For letting my feelings drown me. For following my stupid act. I made a moronic act, ffs )))': my roommates were so damn worried of me, yet I am still thinking about my feelings. I'm sorry.

And yeah, they found me. And they persuaded me OH NO THEY FORCED me to a beach. To release some stress. To let it all. I wish it was that easy. But I do appreciate it, the sacrifices. It was midnight when we went out. We were just eating fries and ice cream, and sat by the beach. Talking for random stuff and acknowledging that we can't stay out for too long. I felt a bit relieved after that. Thank you.

Today, I spent most of my times sleeping just to get away from reality. I was tired. Physically and emotionally. I don't really talk too much today I guess. Yeah, I just don't feel me today. I tried to cheer myself. I succeeded, okay not really but hey I still smile and laugh and talk more uwu 

I know y'all won't read this, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't talk about everything with you. Sorry for not trying to reach you out. I just can't. And thank you. For taking care of me. For worrying about me. I still feel bad, I need to apologize again. But I can't say it on your face. I'm..ashamed..with my act.. I'm just grateful I have y'all. Good night (':

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13121 - Wish You Were Here - 032112 - A Fake :) Can Hide A Million T_T - ASSALAMUALAIKUM ~! (:

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badbye

Hello guys (':

Again, I'm in a mess. Worse than before. But thank God I still can cover it up in front of my friends. I still can make a joke, I still can laugh, I still can play around in a midst of stress and pressure. I'm trying to live my life to the fullest, okay I TRIED. but in the end, I'm still a mess. 

I'm so fucked-up and I don't care anymore. I don't know what to do with this, so I ended up letting it be, be it better or worse. I'm just following the path without thinking much. Some people can look through me, they know how broken I am, how mess I am. It's okay, it doesn't matter anymore.

I don't do relationship.

One of conclusion that I can agree on right now. I don't know why but I want this.

I don't want to get attached just to hurt them (or myself).

I want some attention but at the same time I don't want it. I guess I'm just a desperate person. Wanted to be noticed but nothing more than that.

I missed being called baby, love and so on but then I'll get cringe and can't stand it.

I want someone to ask me how's my day but at the end of the day, I know I don't want to talk about anything.

I missed when someone get clingy with me to only me getting irritated and suffocated because of the closeness (fuck)

I hate it that I want em to feel appreciated when I'll just gonna ignore them (I'm a jerk ik)

There are so many more things that I want  to happen but I don't want it for damn unknown reason. How do you call this? Stupid? Asshole? Badass? Idk what to call myself though.

This is crazy, I hate the fact that I'm feeling like this. But I feel like I should do it. To make sure people don't get attached to me. To make sure they know what type of person I really am.. To let them sure that I ain't a good girl, but a bitxh instead. To give them a reason to let them get away from me before any bad things happen. When it happen, you can't hate me more than I hate myself.

I'm not degrading myself, I'm just stating facts.
The feelings that come and go, thus make me mad, alone.
I'm not dangerous, I'm just a toxic person.

Dear, I know my blog title is "Love yourself" but I ain't going to do it for now. I'm trying to let y'all to love yourself first, by keeping yourself away from me. You shouldn't let yourself get hurt. No matter what your intention is, just don't. Either being a friend or more than that (which I assumed I'm just perasan yknow). I'm not a good friend, and a worse girlfriend you could think of hahahahaha

Okay this whole entry really a crap, I wish I didn't let y'all read this but I want it to, so here you are; already at the end of the entry. Thank you for coming to my tedtalk and have a nice day (":

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13121 - Wish You Were Here - 032112 - A Fake :) Can Hide A Million T_T - ASSALAMUALAIKUM ~! (:

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