everythingoes

Hello peeps ((':

Here I am again. Writing for the second entry for this month. Adding new things to be left in 2018. Knowing that this might stay for longer, as memory. It's 2 in the morning, I should be sleeping but nahh, I'll try to write few stuff. 

I've become someone new. Like not really new, but just some part of it. It feels different after what had happened last night. I made a scene, LOL RAN AWAY FROM MY ROOM TO NOWHERE. Why? I don't know, nan molla. Hmm nahh, I just don't feel good crying over things in my room, while they're all awake. Like how do you gonna cover up your puffy face after crying saying you're okay? I can't. So I decided I would take a walk, going somewhere just to calm myself. I just followed wherever I go. 

Really, I feel bad for leaving them just like that. They called me but I didn't pick it up. I want to but I can't. They texted me, asking me where I am, like what's going on with me. I want to talk but I can't. They're worried about me but I can't don't want they to see me that way. 

The pathetic me. 

The broken me. 

The vulnerable me. 

The fragile me. 

The fucked up me. 

They've always seen me laughing. 

Cracking lame jokes. 

Spilling stupid stories. 

Talking non stop. 

I know they saw me at my lowest point sometimes. But last night, isn't a day for them. Isn't a day for me either. I was so, fucking messed up.

I spent my short time with my other friend, who happened to know that there's something wrong with me and decided to approach me. AND I FUCKING CRIED IN FRONT OF her oh my god. That was unnecessary, I meant cried in front of her. She happened to be there when I broke up with my ex and one of people that saw me cried, a few times. Wondering why I'm so weak lol it's just a guess. She's a good friend of mine, at here. Even if we didn't really hangout together for a while. Thank you again. 

Some of my other friends even asked me if I'm okay. 

To be honest, I was SHOCKED. I didn't think it went like that. I feel embarrassed, fucking ashamed of myself. For being childish. For letting my feelings drown me. For following my stupid act. I made a moronic act, ffs )))': my roommates were so damn worried of me, yet I am still thinking about my feelings. I'm sorry.

And yeah, they found me. And they persuaded me OH NO THEY FORCED me to a beach. To release some stress. To let it all. I wish it was that easy. But I do appreciate it, the sacrifices. It was midnight when we went out. We were just eating fries and ice cream, and sat by the beach. Talking for random stuff and acknowledging that we can't stay out for too long. I felt a bit relieved after that. Thank you.

Today, I spent most of my times sleeping just to get away from reality. I was tired. Physically and emotionally. I don't really talk too much today I guess. Yeah, I just don't feel me today. I tried to cheer myself. I succeeded, okay not really but hey I still smile and laugh and talk more uwu 

I know y'all won't read this, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't talk about everything with you. Sorry for not trying to reach you out. I just can't. And thank you. For taking care of me. For worrying about me. I still feel bad, I need to apologize again. But I can't say it on your face. I'm..ashamed..with my act.. I'm just grateful I have y'all. Good night (':

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13121 - Wish You Were Here - 032112 - A Fake :) Can Hide A Million T_T - ASSALAMUALAIKUM ~! (:

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