So here we go, another episode of me, whining, ranting things that going on with me.
As you could see, I was in bad situation the last time I was here. I was a mess- well I am still, that time it's worse. I forgot how it feels but I know it sucks for sure. Tbh, I don't know what was the sole purpose of all these;- blog, writing, privacy, ranting, crying and etc. This blog also become a mess, yeah you can see it thru me. It feels weird yknow. I write the most when I'm hurt. But at the same time, I want people to feel the happiness in me too.
Okay, let's start again.
Why did I make this blog at the first place?
It was a trend. My close friends write and have a nice medium to share things they wanted to. Back to years ago, there were so many blogs with daebak blogskin, so many gadgets they put in it, lots of entries with cringe topics but hey, that was before and massive followers. I thought why not do the same. Gain some followers to read your stories, either love, friendship, problem or whatsoever. This blog was famous once, and I'm still proud of it. The amount of people coming here just to read your crap stories gave me satisfaction.
So what happened now?
I'm not sure either. My vibe just changed. Since I'm too busy with my uni life, it was hard to come here and write stuff. I can't even put my feelings in words anymore. Guess I was hurt a lot before. And when my blogskin was simpler, I still felt at ease. Until my stupidity came and changed the layout or theme or what, and now it looks like this. What y'all seeing right now, just the same like when it was my first time. Black background. Of course I changed the pictures what so on, but I'm talking about the layout the template and etc. The changes that I can say here, are my way of writing, my profile picture, the contents yeah, my followers as well. I came here once in a while when I really had time and forced myself to speak anything. Last few years were really a mess, a disaster.
Generally, because people changed.
I feel hurt the most when I got my spm results. Oh avie, it's almost 5 years and you're not letting it go?? Yeahhh, that's the starting point of my darkness. Since then, I always look at the negative side of life. I went into matric without my bestie (it hurts because we promised to be there together, but she got a better future waiting for her), forced to pick the hardest course (because my dad didn't approve science computer I hate it ugh). My life wasn't really a mess because I just focused on enjoying my time with my friends, and maybe focused on surviving.
And then, it's time to go to university life. I'm still surviving as y'all can sense hahahaha. To be honest, this life I'm having is a gamble. I don't know it it's the right word to say this (and if my bff reading this, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry). But me, in engineering course okay CHEMICAL engineering course would never occurred to me. Me and physics are not the best partner you could say. I always failed physics unless issa big exam. But here I am, taking course that physics would be the second important things here (1st is math). Tho it should be chemical, but chemistry come at lower requirement. I iz sad hahahahaah. My ambition will always be a surgeon (OH GOSH I LOVE SURGERY SO MUCH THAT I CAN WATCH VIDEOS OF IT WITHOUT GETTING BORED) but since my spm result is not good, and matric result was just so-so, no university would take me in. I don't know what makes they accept me to this course. And ouhya, why did I apologize to my bff? And what's the correlation of this with life gambled? This was because, she was the one that filled up my upu form. I trust her, and still trust her up till now. She wanted to be engineer but due to family affair, she took medical course instead. So yeah, here I am, doing all these on behalf of her. I don't blame her and I won't. This is my wrong doing (maybe our mistakes). I should choose my route instead of telling her to do so. I'm sorry dear.
How do I feel now?
Not really good I guess. Because I don't really found interesting here. I did, and that's the thing that keep me survive here. I'm sorry to my parents because I have lost will to study. I'm here just to graduate. To make you both at least proud of me, of having a daughter that will end up with a scroll, and known as chemical engineering graduate. I'm just surviving. With my friends, when I see how passionate they're, I always think of it. Where did my motivation goes? Why do I let myself lost? Why does other people can do it but me?? I just feel lost here. I ended up having fun with my friends. I don't mean it to be going out or what, it's just I tried to find the joy in class, or while doing works so I can finish Finish it up and yeah, it's done. It's one of my way to keep me sane. I don't want to leave this place with my mind going nowhere.
So what about my future?
Of course I always think of it. That's what make me more afraid. Where am I heading after I graduate? What will happen to me? Can I get a job that suitable with my scope? Do I really compatible for any company? Will they hire me? Or am I gonna end up at any place that need worker? My thoughts are going wild but you can see me doing nothing to overcome my fear. I will still slack off and enjoy my time. My motivation will only come at time and end there. SERIOUSLY RIP AVIE. I'm not a good person right ):
What makes me survive?
I've got only one year and a half more to finish what I've started here. I have my family, friends and crush hahahahahhaa I joined airforce and that's also one of my distraction from reality. HAHAHAHAHAHA why does it sounds fake omfg. Okay tbh, my life as an cadet isn't that good as well. There's so many problems that occurred too and somehow I just managed to go through it. It's almost done so yeah wish me luck. My family doesn't really know my struggles in here, because I didn't really tell them. It will only make them sad and worry more about it. My parents have so many things that they need to settle down. But me here, still playing around. Like I've said, my motivation only come at one time and ended there. I'm sorry mom and dad. My friends? Most of my friends feel the same. Just holding on. But most of them know what they're doing. They survived better than me. I just say things that I've seen thru my naked eyes. I don't really talk to them about my struggles as well. Different people have different opinions and approach. Some of my friends only know some of my problems, because I know the they shouldn't be bothered by my silly thoughts or situations. I'm sorry and thank you friends. For listening to me, helping me when I'm in need and giving me love that I could ever asked.
And being here, I've gone through some relationships. It's hard tho, because I'm not kind of people who could separate personal and professional things. So many things happened in the span of years. I lost my years of boyfriend, started a new relationship to just losing again and now I developed feelings for my friend (read: crush). I could say that this stuff can affect my daily life and my studies. I hate it but I can't help it. It really feels like riding a rollercoaster where you can be at the top and feels like a cloud nine and then one time you're at below, the lowest point of your life. There were so many events happened and it felt surreal at the time. There were so many emotions involved and sometimes I can't focus on study because I thought of it too much. Thinking where things went wrong. I couldn't picked up my shattered heart after the severe breakup. My life became messier and I started to cut my hair. Shorter and shorter. I feel the need to cut and change to new one. But I failed, each and every time. They said, cry and let it all go once and get up. But since the break up, I can't cry. I developed a behavior of suppressing my feelings. That's where my writing skills lost. I can't write what I feel. I can feel the pain but I can't say, I can't write, I can't express it. It hurts a lot (for those who know me, they know that I need people to tell them, to share things with) but after the break up, I lost my boyfriend and bff. I'm not saying that my other bffs are useless, it's just I didn't feel to come at them and tell them. I felt bad but that's what I became. Others might saw me as someone who talk a lot, express a lot, share many things and secrets, but on a serious note, I can't even express anything about the pain he caused. It hurts a lot to the point I thought I lost my sense. Lol. And it happens till now. But maybe now I get better. I feel it sometimes.
But why do my life still a mess??
Because I couldn't figure out things I want in my life. I want to focus on study because I know I still have time but I don't have any motivation, encouragement and so on. I want my life to be better but I still feel like it's really hard. My friends sometimes neglected me, and yeah, they're people, human, they can't read what on my mind. Maybe I should tell them instead of keeping it silent. Erm my unrequited love ))): but that's the risk I should endure. I confessed but .... Yeah you know laa hehehehe issokay, we are still in a good terms and that's okay. That's better. I will still cherish this friendship. Ouhya, I have the desire to meet bangtan in real life )))): guess I stressed to much because I have no saving to meet them hmmmmmmmmmm that's bad and sure that's my mistake. Hmmmm okay let's diet and save money. Anyways, I'm going for 48kg before my birthday come so wish me luckkkk guys.
Okay, I'll end it here for now.
Okay, I'll end it here for now.
So now it's exactly 0400. I should sleep but I thought maybe after this I got no time to write, so why not giving this long post and come back sometime later. Just laaaaaater hahahaha I know that my promise for this year is to build up my confidence, to not throw myself away, be honest to myself and face my weakness. So yeah, I guess for now I did all of em. I'm trying really hard to love myself, to embrace myself. I know I'm kinda of attention seeker, but I really need words of encouragement, good wishes, love and attention from people around me to keep me going forward and to achieve my goal this year. If you reading this, it could meant you really read all of this and THANK YOU so much for spending time to come here and read this long ass entry. I was shocked as well, but again, thank you and please keep on looking out for me. I love you <3